The Needle and the Damage done.

I'm an addict.

My personal journey with addiction has lasted 42 years.

I was not born an addict... still, the symptoms started as a child.

I got addicted to a nasal spray. Yes, I said it... nasal spray.

Hilarious. My nose would not stay open without the spray.

"Addiction planted."

Escape from Reality.

As long as I remember, I had the feeling of emptiness and not belonging anywhere.

School was horrible, and I did not fit in.

Being bullied and lacking friends didn't help.

“Poor lonesome kid.”

Feeling alone and disconnected, I found books and movies.

Release from the agony of reality.

Obsessive reading all through the night, focused and consuming everything.

I aspired to embody the cold, emotionless T-800 from Terminator 2.

Addictive.

Lucky punch.

Getting bullied is not fun. Girls not liking you is not fun. Being alone is not fun. 10 years old. 'Missing fathers.'

Father had schizophrenia. He was not around. No role models.

Red hair, Crazy father…did not help. I got into fights. I lost. Self-confidence was non-existent.

Every night I asked myself, “What is wrong with me?”

Mike Tyson answered.

Tyson vs Berbick. After a week, I started boxing. “Motif.”

Loved it. Jab, hook, and uppercut. I felt alive.

Bullying stopped. One punch. It was over.

Drink Up.

Alcohol was the first contact with substance abuse... a night to remember.

Consuming a concoction of sugar, water, and yeast. In Finnish, it is called "Kilju." Tastes like vomit.

Totally made a fool out of myself. She was a pretty blonde girl.

Down on my knees. Drunken words, "Never have I seen a more beautiful girl."

Her response was epic. "Kiss my feet and fuck off."

The next day, she spread my love confession to everyone in school.

The Needle.

Cannabis was my introduction to drugs.

Laughing, spaced out, with my buddies. The summer of '95 was fun. We still had dreams and good times.

These times don't last. I experimented with LSD, mushrooms, ecstasy, pills, and amphetamines. Speed = amphetamine.

Things started to get weird and emotional.

Dishonesty, small crimes, fighting in the street came into the picture.

Boxing coach kicked me out.

Serious things.

We had one rule: "Injecting is not allowed."

"Break the rules, freedom."

Bathroom.

I made a choice. Snorting speed was fun. Staying up all night, with no need to eat or sleep.

"Maximum euphoria." Curiosity and passion consumed me.

Speed became mine. A friend told me, "Shoot it up." He started injecting.

I wanted to know how it feels.

Nobody forced me. The idea was so fascinating that I drooled in anticipation.

"Inject me." Those simple words marked the point of no return.

I called my friend, my heart pounding. An hour later, we found ourselves in a bathroom.

Stepping into the bathroom, he prepared the shot. Scared and ecstatic, I was ready.

The syringe needle clicked. A rush of anticipation filled the air. And then, an explosion. A "sexual rush of love" surged through my veins. I was in love with the high.

Anxiety vanished, fear dissolved, pain disappeared. Everything was just right. Bliss enveloped me. In that bathroom, I felt like I had found the meaning of life.

Little did I know, a nightmare would soon follow...

Damage Done.

Addicted. I used every day. The high from the first injection lasted 24 hours.

The next one, 2 hours... you need more. Every second, minute, hour. Get the picture.

It's a cliché, but you are always looking for the first high.

Stealing cars, robbing people, violence... dealing with bad people.

Serious shit. Someone passed out... we emptied there pockets.

One of my friends died from an overdose at 19 years old.

Dreams of a party life were lost quickly.

Addiction to drugs is an obsessive repetitive life with the wrong goal.

The intensity of using was ferocious.

Last Man Standing.

"Dreaming of sleeping forever." Watching a plastic bag full of needles.

A mattress ripped in half. A guy telling me a story he told six years ago.

Feeling of déjà vu. The end was near. Death or getting clean.

Looking in the mirror revealed a skeleton with no veins.

Everybody is dead. "Enough is enough."

Drugs took 7.5 years from my life.

Writing this, I have been clean for 21 years.

Anyone suffering from addiction should consider finding help.

I’m a professional drug counselor and medical professional.

If you need help contact me on the form below.

To be continued…

Thanks for reading.

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